The Journey Home

Identity is such a complicated matter because it involves the big questions of life, Why am I here? Where did I come from? Who am I?

When Price Albert, Duke of York, visited New Zealand in 1901, a Māori woman took the tail feather of the huia bird from her hair and placed it into the hatband on the Duke's head. Upon returning to London, this stunning looking representation of social status became a fashion icon that helped to hunt the native bird to extinction. Everybody wants social acceptance, even at the extinction of something else.

For me, the huia feather represented my own non-existence, I felt extinct. My birth mother would not tell her family that I existed and my father had died without ever knowing about me. Why was I a secret? Was it the social pressure of unwed pregnancy, or was it because I was a mixed-race baby? Whatever the reason, I was outraged and the title of my painting, Here I Am, demanded she acknowledges me.

The painting was almost a knee-jerk reaction, in defiance, how dare you not appreciate or even accept that I exist. I am here, my life matters. But then a year later, when I exhibited the painting again in a different gallery, my interpretation of the art had changed. I looked at the painting and the meaning was now different for me.

I had changed, grown, I had moved on. I saw the huia feather as a symbol of importance and in Māori culture, it was traditionally given to prominent high ranking people of the tribe. I no longer wanted to be controlled by anyone else’s opinion. I didn’t want to feel unwanted and I had the power to decide what I was going to believe. I could determine my own reality. Instead of viewing the feather as a symbol of rejection or abandonment, I could give this gift to myself, as a token of honour.

I could choose to see myself as important, someone of value and this changed everything for me. When we know who we really are, we can then be who we were created to be. This strength will give us the courage to embrace life and to overcome all the obstacles.

Coming home, finding my family and a place in New Zealand, is a story of reconciliation that could have only been made possible by divine grace. I am a tale of two cultures. I feel I am like one of the hui birds come home. Resurrected from extinction and now on a path for finding true identity and exploring the Inheritance (knowledge) of my Māori heritage.

As I come to understand this history and culture, it will strengthen who I am as a person and an artist.

Before The Waka Arrived - When I met my brother Brownie, he recited our whakapapa, a history of ancestors tracing right back to before the first waka arrived. He incorporated a connection to the spiritual realm and the creation of the universe. I felt such an incredible sense of belonging and this experience healed within me a feeling of abandonment that I had carried all my life.

The bottom section of the painting incorporates the koru design. An expression of new life, a new beginning, created to encourage you along on this journey of life.